I found the image above on Pinterest after I read this fascinating article from The Atlantic (thanks for sharing, AD!) about cutting people we've deemed toxic out of our lives. I agree with a lot of what's in the article, which made me think more about the idea of people as poison.
There are substances that are unambiguously toxic. Under no circumstances should people imbibe any amount of battery acid, arsenic, hemlock, etc. Other substances (including alcohol, many medications, even water) are deadly if we imbibe too much of them. But people, no matter what they say to us, are not poison.
If every person to whom I've said something horrible cut me off forever, I would have only a few people left, and they wouldn't be my closest friends or family. I'm guessing the same is true for many of you. We humans don't get everything right the first time. Most of us don't get everything right the fifth or tenth time, either.
I'm reminded, of course, of romance novels. In the circuitous path to the primary couple's happily ever after, they often experience failures in communication. Either they don't say what they're thinking or one of them receives a message different from what the other intends. In order to overcome the problem, they need to talk with each other.
The same lesson applies in real life. To understand other people, we need to talk and listen to them. We can't be expected to read minds, but we must hold ourselves to assuming that other people, as we are, are doing the best they can. They're not trying to be mean. They're not made of battery acid. They're humans, muddling through. And if we hope they'll forgive us for our mis-steps, we need to forgive them for theirs.
I was recently in an uncomfortable situation at a party when a dear friend did something that distressed me. After stewing about it for a few days, I decided to take the very uncomfortable step of talking with her. It wasn't easy for me to explain how I experienced her actions, but by the end of our conversation, I felt better and stronger in my thought that she's a great person and friend. Now, she's less likely to make another person uncomfortable in the same way she made me. The discussion wasn't easy to initiate, but it was important. Had I cut her out of my life as toxic, we both would have lost out.
If we encourage young people to write off anyone with whom they've had bad interactions, they'll lose out on learning to forge strong relationships. Instead, we need to help each other learn to have tricky conversations, to stand up for our beliefs in kind ways, and to listen to others without assuming ill will. People are fallible, but we aren't toxic.
Have you ever gotten to the point of cutting someone out of your life? Have you been let go? Please share any relevant thoughts or stories in the comments.
Your willingness to talk to your friend about her behavior was courageous and kind. I’m glad it was worth the investment. I’m pretty sure I’ve said and done things that were experienced as toxic. I would have been grateful if a wronged or turned-off person had taken a chance and shared their feelings with me.
Thank you. You’re right that it was hard, but you’re also right that not only am I glad I spoke with her but I’m also relatively sure she’s glad I did.
Lovely sentiments, but I don’t always want to forge strong relationships with everyone.
I agree with that, but not because I think people are toxic, but because we don’t share values or ideas of fun.
Baseball gives two do-overs, the third strike is an out.
” We can’t be expected to read minds, but we must hold ourselves to assuming that other people, as we are, are doing the best they can.”
There are some who the best they (currently) can do is still toxic, at least for you. Might want to consider the part oneself played in the unpleasant encounter. At some point, it is pro-survival (perhaps sometimes even having a good day) to conclude that’s not a nourishing relationship for oneself. [shift from one & you noted.] Most could name someone who seems totally self-centered, lies, breaks laws, doesn’t pay his debts, etc.
Yes, this makes sense. I wouldn’t want to be around someone who’s like that. I think about the saying, “Hurt people hurt people,” and wonder if people who do all those things you name need help (not from me) to get better.
Great post, Carita. It makes me think of Brene Brown’s always-useful question (paraphrased here): What if I assumed that everyone around me was doing their best?
I like BB’s way of thinking about things. That’s a great assumption to make because it’s usually true and always helpful. Thanks!
Thanks for another thought-provoking WW.
Having known you for a long time, since the moment of your birth, I know you to be a wise snd wonderful person. Reading your post, gave me food for thought.
However, when I read Viveca and Daniel’s replies, to which you have yet to respond, I realize that I was not as tolerant as you, and in agreement with them.
The Dalai Lama said that, “The purpose of life is to be happy.“ For me, being in the presence of incurably toxic people does not make me happy. It doesn’t mean that I can’t learn something from them, but being aware that life is a one-way street with no do-overs, I choose to decide for myself how I want to spend my all-too-brief time. Had I but world and (much mor) time, I may be more inclined to suffer toxicity, but I don’t., so I won’t.
I would never say that I’m more tolerant than the Dalai Lama, but I don’t agree that anyone’s incurable. That said, I don’t want to spend my time with people who make me unhappy. While I don’t think people are toxic, I agree with this sentiment and the one Daniel and Viveca mention that some people might not be a good fit for me.