My friend and former student (Hi, EB!) took the photo above last May, when I was giving a speech (because I won a really cool prize called the Lufkin Award) at the school where I teach. Fortunately, I had a lot of time to figure out what to say in my speech. My planning didn't necessarily lead me to give the best speech ever given, but it did allow me to capture what I wanted to say the best I could.
That said, even with no time to prepare, I know how I would never start a speech:
- Me: Good morning.
- Some of audience: good morning.
- Me: You can do better than that.
- More of audience (grudgingly, but louder): good morning.
Maybe the first people who responded were willing to give a little more oomph to their replies, but the people who didn't return my greeting in the first case might have valid reasons for not having replied.
- One never knows if a caller wants a response.
- It can be embarrassing to be the only voice who responds to a speaker.
- Many people have other things going on in their lives and need a moment to sit and think.
All of these are valid reasons not to scream out a hearty "Good Morning" at a required event.
Of course, the speaker might be using the "You can do better than that" as a way to try to lure people into listening more actively. That makes total sense to me, but rather than scolding people for not being able to read one's mind, a speaker might encourage participation in a kinder way. I recommend this:
- Me: Good morning.
- Some fraction of audience: Good morning.
- Me: Hearing your beautiful voices helps me not feel so nervous. Would you be willing to give me a louder 'Good morning' this time to pump me up? Good morning.
- More of audience: Good morning.
With this framing, I can bring the audience over to my side without implying that they've done anything wrong by not giving the response I'd hoped for the first time.
I can see this speech opening working just as well:
- Me: Good morning.
- Some fraction of the audience: Good morning.
- Me: Not a lot of you answered. I wonder if that's because something's going on around here that's got your attention. Or maybe you have a test later today, or the state of the world worries you because it's too far to the right or too far to the left or too dangerous for people you are or love or too something else. Or maybe you didn't want to say "good morning" because you have a sore throat or your voice might crack. In any case, I wonder if you'll try to set whatever it is that's on your mind aside for the next half hour to come on a journey with me.
People can't read our minds, which is usually a good thing. If we berate them for not playing a game they didn't sign up for, they have every right to check out. Instead, let's try to speak our desires and be okay with the answers we get.
I'm pretty sure this principal applies to lots more than giving speeches. Any ideas? Please share your responses in the comments.
How are you?
Grrr!
This is not a real question. An honest response is not expected. I’ve been asked a question, though, so I’m socially obligated to mutter something. If I replied that I was on Death’s doorstep, would it register? If I ignore the question, am I being rude? I respond with, “Good morning.”
You’re so right. I never know if I should answer at all, truthfully, or with “Fine, and you?”, which is never the whole truth. I like, “Good morning,” as a non answer that gets right to the point that what the person is really saying is, “Hi.” Thanks for the new alternative I’ll try to adopt.
Technically, aka formally, I believe the correct response to “how do you do?” is, in fact, “how do you do?” not even with a change of intonation. So “how’re you doing” (no question mark), “good morning,” or any variation of hello/I acknowledge you too is totally fine.
Hi Carita! I wish we could forward your excellent post to every Trader Joe’s cashier in the country. Have a great day!
Oh, the people-hours of agony that would save. And what about those who say, “Have a blessed day!”? I don’t know what to do with that one, either.
Before I saw your response to Pattie, I thought along similar lines as your response.
Subsequently, I’ve also thought I might respond to a “Good morning” with, “I’m fine, other than having an as yet incurable cancer of my immune system.”
Fortunately, since “Kindness is the greatest wisdom“ is one of my life-guiding principles, I usually refrain from a snarky response, put on a big smile, and cheerily say, “Good morning“ or “Yes! It is” and go on my merry way.
PS. “Have a blessed day” is a shibboleth for “I’m a Born-again Christian. Are you one too?” I find it quite annoying.
Refraining from snark is a life-long challenge for me!
These are good answers. Thanks.
Dad, you can also (as I suspect you are already doing) interpret “have a blessed day,” as “hey, heads up, I am not someone you’ll enjoy spending time with.” That was you can be polite in response and grateful for the kind warning!
In response to Viveca’s question about responding to “ How are you doing?“ I want to respond, “I’m fine, other than suffering from an as yet incurable and all too often fatal cancer of my immune system, multiple myeloma.”
But because “kindness is the greatest wisdom “ is one of my favorite life-guiding principles, I try to refrain from snarky responses. I prefer to respond, “Good morning,“ and leave with external, internal, and (eternal?) smiles, which suits me fine.
In your response to Andrea, you raise a quandary about the annoying, intrusive, and unwanted “Have a blessed day,” in these instances, I am less tolerant. I often limit my response to “No thanks!” I see this instruction or recommendation or wish as a thinly veiled shibboleth that asks me if I, too, am a Christian.
But “no thanks” violates your “kindness is the greatest wisdom” ideal. I like Viveca’s advice to see that as a warning to reply blandly and walk the other way.
I agree and thank both of you.
I wish I could be better at practicing what I preach, not that I preach kindness. I try to take the kindness route when I can, but sometimes I stray from it.
I hope each of you will kindly point it out to me when I do.
❤️❤️
Back at you — I would always rather know when I’ve done something unkind than not know so that I can do better!