I don't play golf. My husband tried to teach me, about a quarter of a century ago, shortly after we moved to a campus that sits in the middle of a golf course, but a love of golfing didn't take.
I do, however, love the idea of taking a mulligan. At so many points in my life, more or less daily, I mess up. At the moment I realize that I've taken a misstep, I know that I have a few choices:
- Give up.
- Scream.
- Cry.
- Keep going in the wrong direction (aka double down).
- Figure out how to pivot and follow a new course.
- Ask to take a do-over.
You can probably guess that I'm a big fan of the last two and not an advocate for any of the first approaches on the list. I really don't like the expression, "It's too late," because it implies that we can't fix our errors. As long as we're able to think, I don't think it's too late for us to change.
I heard a podcast (sadly, I don't remember which one, so I'm not giving proper credit here--sorry) about how important "cheat days" or "emergency outs" are in any long-term goal-setting and behavior modification. If we think of our progress in binary terms, we will often find ourselves failing and give up. On the other hand, if we accept that not every day will move us closer to our goals and build that allowance into our plans, then we're less likely to give up all together.
I use this mindset to help me stick to my plans and get things right in as many facets of my life as I can. My students are used to hearing me say, "I want to come back to something I said yesterday and say it better." Giving myself an out helps me also in my job as a class dean, as a person who has daily writing and exercise goals, who wants to eat mostly foods that nourish my body, and who wants to demonstrate kindness and empathy in all interactions. I know that I can't get everything right in real time, but if I don't beat myself up about that, then I have a chance of doing a better job in my second and later attempts. As long as I don't give up, there's always hope of moving in the direction I want to go.
How do you feel about taking a mulligan? How have you incorporated "cheat days" or "emergency outs" into your long-term planning?
After I wrote the above post, I read Ross Gay's Book of Delights. One of his delights is the do-over. I'm adding this note to the post as an addendum, which is like a literary do-over, mulligan, fresh start, or any other name you want to give it. I approve of his message. Your thoughts?
I understand the alcohol/drug recovery profession realized that relapse was a usual part of recovery, should be so understood, rather than a sign of binary failure. The duration between relapses may be seen as a possible measure of progress.
I’m reading Demon Copperhead right now, so this comment is hitting me at the right time. Yes, it’s important to remember that most progress isn’t a straight line, especially with hard roads such as recovery.
Mulligans are a good way of getting over it and getting on with it. Sometimes, that first requires forgiveness of self or others. Regular practice is a great idea. Maybe we also need a National Mulligan Day.
Agreed. Forgiveness is a big part of being willing to allow second chances.
I need a do over. Looks like we already have a Mulligan Day.
I didn’t know that — just looked it up: October 17. Maybe national Do-Over Day should be on April 17, to spread them out six months apart!
I’m a big fan of the do-over.
The do-over.
I see what you did there. I see.