The image above comes from a site arguing against the PARCC test. While the article from 2015 is interesting, it has nothing to do with the kinds of tests I'm talking about today.
I've been thinking about secret tests. For example, if I want to find out if someone will have my back, I might pretend to be in trouble and see what the person does. Alternately, if I really want someone to do something, I could wait to see what happens. If the person steps up, she passes my secret test; if not, she fails.
I found myself upset recently because I knew that a friend of mine was passing through Lakeville. I hoped she would stop by to visit me when in town, but I never said anything to that person. She came and went without seeing me. Afterwards, she said something about wishing she had seen me. I realized that her not seeing me was my own fault. Had I said, "Hey, while you're in town, I'd love for you to come over to my house or to go for a walk together," she either would have found time to make that happen or she would have explained why her time was already accounted for. Either way, I wouldn't have felt bad. Instead, she failed the secret test I had in my mind because I never proclaimed my desire. Why on earth did I expect her to know what I wanted without my saying anything?
If I don't tell people what I want them to do, I can't get mad at them or annoyed at the situation if they do something else. Even if I do tell people what I want, I have to remember that they're all autonomous beings, capable of having desires and plans different from mine. But most important, I shouldn't expect anyone to read my mind, nor should I try to read others' minds.
I'm not saying that it's not great when people surprise us by doing wonderful and unasked-for things, but if we want people to step up in a particular direction, we have to provide a target. It's completely unfair to hold people accountable for actions they never knew we wanted them to take.
Have you found yourself giving secret tests to people? What's a good way to remember to ask for what we want and to be okay with not getting it (whether we ask or not)? Please share your thoughts in the comments.
I love this! I think we have all experienced this on one side or the other. For me, I have to remember that I would never have a problem with someone verbalizing their expectations to me. I would want them to be honest with me. So, I have to assume the same holds true vice versa- they would want me to verbalize expectations with them, right?? However, easier said than done!
You’re making such a good point. We’re often way more harsh on ourselves and think way more of our own ideas are awkward than we do of other people. We’ll have to remember to give ourselves room to ask. Thanks for writing!
I’m 99% sure that you and dad don’t feel this way, but if you’re ever questioning what ingredients I do or don’t like in the Blue Apron meal on a given night, please just ask 🙂
Good call. I will!
Yes! I’ve been trying to do this for years, but it’s so hard. It applies to lots, all the time. Annoyed someone in your household didn’t clean something up or do something else they were “supposed to”? I’ll bet you dollars to donuts, they didn’t do it on purpose, have no idea you’re upset, and aren’t bothered by it at all. (At least in my household.) So if I’m annoyed without telling them, I’m the only one getting punished! Then, of course, once I realize this, I need to choose whether to say something, in which case we’ll both be (temporarily) unhappy, or let it go, in which case we’ll both be fine. Hard to remind myself of that, but it’s calm and nice when I do.
That’s always a tricky decision to make, I agree. It’s important to weigh the options fairly. Thanks for the reminder.
This happens to be all of the time! I love this post. Always good to express what we want/need from others. And to be forgiving if it doesn’t work out.
Yes, the forgiving part is also hard. Thanks for the reminder!
Great post! Thanks.
Your thoughts and advice ring so very true.
Could it be a reflection of the wonderful parenting you received and your sibling’s role model?
I think your advice falls under the umbrella of one of my favorite Rules of Life:
Show up, pay attention, speak the truth, and let go of the consequences.
I’ve been lucky to have lots of great influences/models in my life — definitely starting with those three. Thank you. Yes, I like those rules enough to think you should write a Why Wednesday guest post enumerating them.