If you know who James Sexton (pictured above, and you can click on the photo to go to his website) is, you might be worried about the state of my marriage. Don't be. I'm still crazy about my husband, and I have every reason to believe he still likes me. For those of you who don't recognize him, Sexton is a divorce lawyer. I came across his name and ideas when he was the guest on a podcast I like. Below is a photo of his book, How to Stay in Love; click the link if you'd like to buy a copy.
I haven't read the book, but here's what I know about it. As a divorce lawyer, Sexton has heard so many ways people fall out of love that he crafted instructions to help couples avoid common pitfalls. Given how thoughtful he was on the podcast, I'm guessing it's a great book.
Here's the line he said that most got to me, albeit as a teacher, more than as a wife. "Discipline is trading what you want now for what you want most."
Did you think about that line? I put it into bold to make it pop. Maybe now's a good time to read it again.
When I hear it, I think about the many students at Hotchkiss who are willing to trade what they want now––for life to be easy and fun––for what they want most––a diploma follwed by a fulfilling life, integrity, job satisfaction, emotional stability, personal connections, and security.
Related to this trade, students get caught cheating or using substances or sneaking out of their rooms to meet with other students because their desire for easy and fun has superseded their desire to feel good about themselves, to honor their parents' sacrifice, and to learn the skills that will serve them in college and beyond. In other words, the urge for fun has pulled down a path they probably didn't envision when they first got their acceptance letters. In these cases, they land in the Discipline Committee, which is a group of elected adults and students who adjudicate the School's response to each major infraction. It's not a coincidence that the same word, discipline, comes into play here.
While I'm loath to begin an essay with the seventh-grade favorite opener, a definition, I'm going to put discipline's derivation in here for those who don't understand why the word has so many connections to education, both punishments and choices.
Discipline comes directly from Latin's disciplina, which means 'instruction given, teaching, learning, knowledge,' and 'object of instruction, knowledge, science, military discipline,' from discipulus 'pupil, student, follower' (see disciple (n.))." (I copied this quotation from etymonline).
Isn't that cool? The word is about learning in many forms. Sometimes the instruction comes from an outside source (and might be a punishment), and sometimes it comes from within (making trades and holding ourselves accountable).
We can't sacrifice everything now for our future selves (because situations change and we have to be okay now, too -- read this earlier post to see why I don't think we should always delay what we want), but equally, we can't do only what feels good in the moment. We'd turn into the Lotus Eaters.
To have/get what we want out of life, we must learn from earlier to balance now with later. The only way keep all three times in mind is discipline.
What do you think? Please share your responses in the comments.