Four and a half years ago, I wrote a post about the importance of embracing discomfort. If you haven't already read that one, please feel free to do so now by clicking on this link.
Welcome back. I hope you found that post interesting. This one is very different.
Earlier this year, I was talking in my office with a lovely student from the Class of 2025. She was upset about how things were going in one of her courses. As I always do in such moments, I suggested that she talk with her instructor. She said that she "wasn't comfortable" talking with her teacher. The expression got me thinking about the different ways we can be uncomfortable and what we should do in each situation.
I posted the photo above of my still-not-healed clavicle (It's better now, thanks for asking!) because the easiest kind of discomfort to name is physical. While not all physical pain can be eliminated, it's always a good idea to pay attention to it and follow doctors' advice about how to make it go away.
Most of our academic discomfort isn't physical. (I can hear some of my past/present students snarking that being in some classes is so boring that it's literally painful. Alas.) I can think of three reasons a student might feel uncomfortable around a teacher.
It's possible that the teacher is giving off creepy vibes. Our school (and pretty much every other boarding school on the planet) sadly has a history of child sexual abuse. While the institution has worked to address the wrongs done by a few adults who worked here in the past, it's not unreasonable to think that something like that could happen again. If a student feels that kind of discomfort, he/she/they should NOT embrace it silently. That kid should (1) spend time with that employee only in big groups and (2) find a trusted adult to tell.
The second way I can think of that would make a student feel uncomfortable around an adult is if it appears that the adult is responding to his/her/their criticism unfairly. Obviously, we adults shouldn't hold complaints about grades against students, so again, I'd recommend that a student in this situation go to another adult, probably the department head, advisor, or dean.
But the third way is, I think, by far the most common kind of discomfort. The fact is that for most of us, being straightforward in negative situations, especially with people who have authority over us, isn't comfortable. And these are the cases in which I urge, "Embrace the discomfort." Being able to talk directly and honestly AND being able to listen to such criticism or the responses to it is a necessary skill. I don't know anyone who finds this kind of conversation fun and easy, but we have to know how to self-advocate and how to take feedback, even when it's not all sunshine.
Throughout the year, I've been trying to teach the students in my charge to take ownership and responsibility for themselves in their education and general life skills. Knowing that a conversation might be difficult and initiating it anyway is one part of adulting. Having such dialogues doesn't get easier without practice, so it's important to have the courage to step into such discussions now to be ready to face more complicated relationships ahead.
Can you think of a time you've initiated an uncomfortable conversation? Want to share your responses in the comments?
It seems people are increasingly uncomfortable with any form of conflict, including facing any negative feedback, even if it might also be well intentioned, minor, constructive, subjective, impersonal, structural, or accurate. Unfortunately, I think this discomfort, instead of mitigating the situation, creates a dichotomy in which the uncomfortable party believes it becomes a choice between avoidance or hostility. And in which people blame each other more than working things out together.
I was just listening to a podcast that recommended Sarah Schulman’s book, Conflict Is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair. I haven’t read it, but it might offer a helpful perspective.
You’re (as always) totally correct. We’ve gotten to a place in which we avoid anything uncomfortable even though pushing past what’s easy is the only way to grow/improve/learn. That sounds like a good book. Thanks for the recommendation!
Thank you for your wisdom, C and V.
Feeling comfortable is not a requirement for dealing with life’s challenges. On the bright side, it helps to know that each time we confront an issue with a person in authority or even a friend, it will be a bit easier next time and that means that the time between challenge and resolution will get a little shorter too.
Exactly, Pattie. And the reverse is true, too. When we don’t confront issues, they grow bigger and we grow worse at dealing with them.